(Re)presentation of the Self

How do we present ourselves to others? What, beyond the superficial, are we portraying in each encounter? How can we identify and then, with increased awareness, determine the 'self' that we present? And how can we recreate this projection of self as needed?

The first question inherent in the idea of self-representation is, what is the “self”? We all think we know ourselves – or, the more we actually attempt self-awareness, the more we realize how much of our inner self remains a mystery to us; that is, we are complex individuals and much of who we are lies in our unconscious mind. Who we are, and how we portray this to others, is critical to our success as a member of society; yet we often know neither who we really are nor what we're projecting to those around us.

Knowing ourselves deeply, and accurately, requires lengthy and diligent self-exploration, often mirrored by someone we trust, for objectivity. We must become aware of our beliefs, values, motives, thought processes, triggers, strengths, challenges, and ways in which we relate to others. Introspection is the primary process, though we must then 'check' what we think we know about ourselves with some of those in our innermost circle, for accuracy. We're the expert when it comes to the self – but we are not, cannot be, objective.

In order to know how we present to others, we must ask others for their candid perceptions of us, each party summoning courage and committing to honesty. This is a rather difficult task, and the results can be quite surprising. It's also necessary for us to understand the perceptions of people from our various walks of life: a friend, a loved one, a therapist, a colleague. We must also gauge the reactions of others to us: do people naturally gravitate toward us in friendship? Do we work well with others toward a common goal? Or is there friction in our relationships?

When we have a fair measure of self-awareness including a clear sense of how we present to others, a presentation which may differ from one setting to another, we can then more consciously determine how we would like to be perceived by others. Do you feel fond of others but are seen as formidable? Do you want to be viewed as self-confident and charismatic, but fear that the impression you give others indicates self-doubt? As your awareness of your authentic self and the outward impression you give to others increases, there will naturally be less incongruence between them. An attempt to portray a false self – to seem caring when in fact you are not, for example – can only be maintained for a short while and is ultimately doomed to failure. But to focus on your strengths rather than your shortcomings is well within your control.

Who are you? What aspects of yourself do you want to reveal to others? What are your strengths? How can you build on that? If you want to show self-confidence to the world, what does that look like? Think of someone you know who exudes self-confidence. What gives you this impression? Is he at ease physically? Does she speak with authority of her topic? How can you adopt these outward manifestations of the quality that you wish to portray? If you genuinely feel the qualities you wish to project, and you focus on them, and you analyze others who project the same, you will learn to create – and allow for – the outward projection that you wish.

Yes, “allow for” – while we may perceive that we have the quality we wish to project, we don't always give ourselves permission to display it. A woman who is self-confident, for example, may be perceived as a leader in one setting, sexy in another, and threatening in a third. Society and our own inner beliefs can dictate what characteristics we exhibit, and to what degree.

Presenting the public self as we choose can mean hard work. Knowing ourselves, deeply and comprehensively, is the first and ultimately most important component.

Dr. Anne Hilty

Dr. Anne Hilty is an integrative psychologist practicing in Central. She can be contacted at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .